THE COZY APOCALYPSE
STARTER KIT
Essential tools for finding joy when everything's on fire
Welcome to Your No-BS Survival Guide
Thank you for taking our quiz! Whether you discovered you're a Comfort Nurturer, Stress Baker, Pleasure Keeper, or Simplified Survivor, you're in the right place.
This isn't another toxic positivity guide. This is real talk for real times. You'll find practical tools that actually work when everything feels overwhelming, plus recipes that prove feeding yourself is a radical act of self-care.
What you need:
- 1 bag red lentils (they cook fastest)
- 1 can diced tomatoes
- 1 onion, chopped (pre-chopped counts)
- 3 cloves garlic, minced (or 1 tsp garlic powder)
- 6 cups vegetable broth
- 1 can coconut milk
- Spices: cumin, paprika, turmeric
- Salt, pepper, greens if you have them
What you do:
- Dump everything except coconut milk and greens into a pot
- Bring to boil, simmer 20 minutes
- Stir in coconut milk and greens
- Add more salt than you think you need
- Freeze half for when cooking feels impossible
What you need:
- 1 cup warm milk (any kind)
- 1/2 tsp turmeric
- Pinch black pepper
- 1 tsp honey
- Cinnamon for sprinkling
What you do: Mix, sip, feel slightly more human.
Perfect for meal prep when you can't think about cooking every day. Brown meat (optional), add onions, garlic, canned tomatoes, beans, broth, and spices. Simmer until your kitchen smells like comfort. Top with whatever makes you happy.
What you need:
- 3 cups flour
- 1/4 tsp yeast (yes, that tiny amount)
- 1 tsp salt
- 1 5/8 cups warm water
What you do:
- Mix everything. It looks shaggy and wrong. This is correct.
- Cover, leave 12-18 hours
- Preheat oven to 450°F with Dutch oven inside
- Plop dough into hot pot, bake 30 min covered, 15 min uncovered
- Feel like a functional human who makes bread
Use refrigerated pizza dough, brush with melted butter, sprinkle with brown sugar and cinnamon, roll up, slice, bake 20-25 minutes at 375°F. Drizzle with powdered sugar glaze.
What you need:
- 2-3 cheeses (soft, hard, something funky)
- Crackers you actually like
- Something sweet: grapes, honey
- Something salty: nuts, olives
- Wine or fancy water
What you do: Arrange on your nicest plate. Take Instagram photo. Eat slowly while reading something good. Feel fancy and European.
What you need:
- 2 tbsp butter, 2 oz dark chocolate
- 1 egg, 2 tbsp sugar, pinch salt, 2 tbsp flour
- Ice cream for serving
What you do: Microwave butter and chocolate 30 seconds, stir smooth, whisk in egg and sugar, add flour, microwave exactly 1 minute, top with ice cream, feel accomplished.
The method:
- Good bread (worth spending money on)
- Toast until golden
- Butter while warm
- Add one perfect topping
Combinations that count as meals:
- Avocado + salt + everything seasoning
- Peanut butter + banana + honey
- Hummus + tomato + olive oil
- Ricotta + berries + balsamic
Mug Mac & Cheese: 1/3 cup pasta + water, microwave 2 minutes, drain, add milk and cheese
Mug Scrambled Eggs: 2 eggs + milk splash, microwave 45 seconds, stir, 30 more seconds
Emergency Emotional First Aid
60-Second Reset for Overwhelm
- 1Find bathroom or car (socially acceptable alone spaces)
- 2Place hands: one on chest, one on belly
- 3Breathe: 5 slow breaths, longer exhales
- 4Ground: name 5 things you can see
- 5Move: roll shoulders up, back, down
- 6Permission: "This is hard. I'm doing my best."
Quick Grounding Techniques
5-4-3-2-1: Name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste
Cold Water Reset: Splash face, run over wrists, hold ice cube
Name The Emotion: Just naming it ("I feel overwhelmed") reduces intensity
3-Day Apocalypse Meal Plan
Because feeding yourself consistently is victory
Day 1
Morning: PB toast + banana OR overnight oats
Midday: Hummus wrap OR batch-cook lentil soup
Evening: Eggs on toast OR sheet pan vegetables + beans
Snack: Dark chocolate + tea
Day 2
Morning: Greek yogurt + fruit OR smoothie
Midday: Leftover soup OR grain bowl
Evening: Pasta + jarred sauce OR coconut curry
Snack: Popcorn + nutritional yeast
Day 3
Morning: Apple + nut butter OR vegetable frittata
Midday: Canned soup + crackers OR loaded toast
Evening: Breakfast for dinner OR grain + bean bowl
Snack: Warm milk + cinnamon
Create Your Pocket of Peace
Physical Space Checklist
- Choose tiny corner (even cushion works)
- Clear visual clutter
- Add comfort: soft blanket, cushion
- Include beauty: plant, photo, artwork
- Create sound space: headphones, quiet
- Add scent: candle, essential oil
- Make phone-free zone
- Set boundary marker: special blanket, candle to light
Temporal Pockets (5-10 minute blocks)
- First moments after waking
- Shower/bath time
- Commute (if not driving)
- Lunch break
- Work-to-home transition
- Pre-sleep
Permission Slips for Hard Days
Cut out and keep handy
Realistic Phone Wallpapers
Set as backgrounds for instant comfort
What's Next?
The Cozy Apocalypse: Finding Joy When Everything's on Fire includes:
- 200+ pages of detailed survival strategies
- Complete meal planning system with grocery lists
- Advanced emotional regulation techniques
- Community building and connection tools
- Finding purpose and meaning in chaos
- Expanded recipe collection with variations
- Printable worksheets and planning pages
Get the full book on Amazon →
amazon.com/dp/B0FBL7RQGJ
Join the Half-Ass Revolution Community
Connect with others who are done with perfection and ready for "good enough":
- Website: halfassrevolution.com
- Share your wins: Use #CozyApocalypse
- Email us: We actually read and respond
A Final Reminder
You're not broken. The world is just really overwhelming right now.
These tools aren't about fixing you—they're about giving you practical ways to take care of yourself while everything else sorts itself out.
You don't have to have it all figured out. You don't have to be grateful for the struggle. You just have to keep going, and these tools will help you do it with a little more comfort and a lot less pressure.
You're doing better than you think. Really.